Yes, it is funny that we still have this thing! I don't even know who reads them anymore. I still always check livejournal, maybe just a habit.
Since the last time I wrote, I broke up with Brian a month before he was suppose to move down here - just couldn't do it. Not meant to be. Not him or me. I like my space. It will probably be decades before I ever want to truly share it with anyone. Unintentionally always the heart breaker, just too passive, whoops, sorry never wanted it in the first place.
I now work in a Special Ed class at an elementary school and I love it to pieces. I am either going to get my Masters in Special Education or go back and get a second degree in psychology in order to become an ABA (Applied Behavior Analyst) specialist. (And eventually get a Masters and PhD...I love school and learning and editing papers!)
I might go live on a farm in June. I just need to save enough money so I don't have to work for that month. Live in a tent, learn how to farm, and restore an old cabin from the 1800s. Work with my hands, hands in the dirt under the sun.
Anyways, thats about it. I am loving the country life. I love the scenery and my front porch. I love the quiet. I love the absence of people. I love the overwhelming presence of animals and nature. But I do want to move somewhere in a year. This is not where I was suppose to end up but it was exactly what I was looking for. My feelers have always been out and working, can't wait to see where I end up next. Just getting closer to how I want to live my life.
"She felt as though everything were beginning to be double in her soul, just as objects sometimes appear double to over-tired eyes. She hardly knew at times what it was she feared, and what she hoped for. Whether she feared or desired what had happened, or what was going to happen, and exactly what she longed for, she could not have said." -Anna Karenina
Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade Don't tell me not to fly, I simply got to If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade I'll march my band out, I'll beat my drum And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir At least I didn't fake it, hat, sir I guess I didn't make it But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection A freckle on the nose of life's complexion The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye I gotta fly once, I gotta try once, Only can die once, right, sir? Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see, I gotta have my bite, sir. Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade,
I'm gonna live and live NOW! Get what I want, I know how! One roll for the whole shebang! One throw that bell will go clang, Eye on the target and wham, One shot, one gun shot and bam! Hey, Mr. Arnstein, here I am ...
I'll march my band out, I will beat my drum, And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir, At least I didn't fake it, hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer Nobody, no, nobody, is gonna rain on my parade!
First day of my one and only French University class, on the Renaissance. It was so over my head. I couldn't understand anything and all the sudden everyone was signing up for things and I blindly signed up to give a 20 minute presentation on a painting I don't know the name of or of the artist because I couldn't understand the professors accent. I felt like I was having a panic attack. I physically felt terrible and all I wanted to do was cry. Especially moreso after I went and spoke to my advisor at Reid Hall she said it was my fault because I didn't look at any other courses. And she is 100 % correct. I put all my eggs in this class's basket and now all the other classes have started and I can't switch.
She said my only other option was to speak to the director of the program about being excused from taking a university class. I would feel so terrible because its my fault that I would need to be excused and I would just feel really, really embaressed. I don't know why I just felt so incredibly overwhelmed and emotion, I was on the brink of tears the entire time speaking to her.
Section II of the class is tomorrow and if its anything like today I am just going to talk to the director. To make my day just a little shittier I get home host mom says that tonight is not a good night to have dinner, and she would rather switch it to Tuesdays. I said okay. But Tuesday was better for her because they had a whole bunch of people over tonight. Maybe they needed the extra chair.
Other than this hooplah Paris is getting easier. I love all of my classes at Reid Hall. And I am going to start doing research for the curator at the Met soon, which I am really looking forward to. I had a fun, crazy drunk weekend and met new friends.
I am going to go make some soup now, my family's guests fiiiinalllly left.
I wish my first post since arriving in Paris would be an excited and beautiful one but I am pretty sad today. Paris is hard. I know it will get easier but for the time being my french is terrible, I am having the worst time sleeping, I don't like anyone at school and I am really sick today. I had to leave the Museum we were at early because I just felt terrible.
On the flip side, Paris is beautiful. I had this image in my head of Paris and of my future apartment and of the cafes...and its exactly it. It is that beautiful and charming and historic. I could spend all day at the cafes; the cafes where all the chairs face the street so you can people watch from any seat. My family is really great. I pretty much come and go as I please and we have dinner together twice a week, very french - cheese and wine after dinner.
I'd rather not write about Paris when I am so sad - it doesn't deserve that, so I will wait till another day.
So life in the apartment is good. Very weird though. Last night Gooey and made some Mac and Cheese and drank some beer, sat in the kitchen. Then around midnight it was like "Well...I guess I'll go to bed..." Its just a little lonely right now. But Christina is going to come out Wednesday and we are going to get dinner, I miss her. And I don't have any time to go explore Astoria, or go to the park right near us, or go buy a dresser because I am working 7 days a week (And still only have 13 dollars in my account...Hm...). But I really do love the place, we have more furniture now. I got to sleep in today which was nice, but then we knows what we will do tonight. I think we're going to buy some weed, the delivery service around here is known as "The Presidents", we personally order from Kennedy, some choose to use Nixon or Carter. I think its funny. Haven't talked to Sean in a while. Looks like we're not going to get married and live happily ever after as I had previously thought. Humph.
"Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives...and to the "good life," whatever it is and wherever it happens to be."